Monday, April 23, 2012

Where did it go??

Just like that commercial for Kaiser.. I have been questioning where my mojo is? I even did a Face Book post."Lost Mojo..(And not my friend Tracy's dog)..If found please return to Michelle ASAP..Thank You." Also in one of my FB comments told a friend..I am getting a bit worried about myself.. everyday I walk by my surfboards I usually get an anxious feeling.. Now I walk by and just think ehh too much work.. I am so not in the mood to surf. Gotta load the Tahoe, fight traffic, get a wetsuit on, paddle out, maybe fight for a wave, maybe not, cold water or weather.. Not feeling it...and have not for a while.. between being sick,and stressed. I just am not feeling great right now..=(..Then the insanity of work the last two days.. I am so drained.. that is a story in itself! I just want a vacation or a nice long Rest!! I guess I am in funk(and not the kind George Clinton can put out)..I think I felt it coming on for a while.

Funny a few weekends back.. I was feeling down and stressed and had a bit to drink on Friday night. So Saturday I thought I was hung over. Sunday I still felt terrible and I also barfed..hmm...maybe not a hangover,I decided must have the stomach flu. Here I thought I was just stressed and bordering that dark area of depression... so I did the unhealthy thing and drank my sorrows away.. To find out I am ill? Or maybe my stress made me ill? Who knows?? I just know for the following week I was so out of it, mentally and physically drained. I had muscle aches,I was non stop thirsty,(I could not get enough water) I had a tin like taste in my mouth..and always tired and fatigued.


Then..I had to do my taxes(while still under the weather). I did my own with turbo tax..but got to point where you cant really continue until you pay. WE are living seriously not paycheck to paycheck right now...but day to day. SO I had to wait till hubs made $$ so I could continue and file.. WHICH landed ON TAX DAY. So here I am at last minute finishing my taxes,I am at work, hubs is out in the middle of the ocean. I am just trying to finish...I was a stress case. I don't want to go into it all. Lets just say, hubs is a financial disaster..and I got to the point, where I looked like Linda Blair in the exorcist.. Seriously I think my head did spin around!! ANY way after that hellish experience.(which I will never ever ever do again)


I could not sleep the following night..Up at 2 AM..and stayed up, wide fricken awake..hubs is snoring away.. of course he is.. the clock is ticking louder than a time bomb, and I swear I heard every noise imaginable. I Had to go to work the next day. Still ill, and my eyes were so swollen, from crying the day before, no sleep, and allergies, I could not put my contacts in. But at least my glasses helped to hide how bad my eyes were. I was a wreck!.. SO even after all that a few nights go by, I could feel my body's tension getting worse every minute. Tried to get a hold of my son(licensed massage therapist)to help me. Failed!..So I ended up with a crick in my neck the other morning, could not look to the left without pain, I really think I slept wrong, I suffered, so my chihuahua would be comfortable..and still nursing a bit of a pinch nerve in the other shoulder. AGAIN I am fricken falling apart!


Then I go to wash my Tahoe, the hose burst and water gushing everywhere. I go to use the kitchen sink, and the handle was already broken, NOW the neck pops off and water squirted across the kitchen and family room. REALLY!!??? This just blows! Everything is falling apart in my house! Lets throw in a crazy weekend end at work..helping another department where I work. I was verbally abused from homeowners and members more than I care to admit.(I really think that is kind of funny,I learned Money can't buy you class and these people have money and acted more immature then when my children were young!) Also knowing any day..but for sure within the next couple weeks. I will no longer be employed...(that is not necessarily a bad thing, and more on that later), BUT when you are the one with the "steady" income in the house. It is a bit scary..and the uncertainty of what my future holds..it is freaking me out a bit. BUT I am looking at it as a good thing, and I am totally ready to move on.


So yeah.. No wonder I am where I am... SO now I got the case of "WOE is ME's" happening. I am always doing every thing for everyone. I rarely say No when I should.. even though I know better. Then my husband and teenage daughter, who seriously are some of the most selfish people.. GOD forbid, my health or sanity,, as long as the taxes are done,house is clean, trash is out and I go to work, and people are getting carpooled. WHO cares if I die in the process. I really do feel taken advantage of from them a lot. I never take care of me as much as I do them. For example MY hair has not been done in.. I can't even say how long...It is dry and unmanageable and my roots are crazy.. I know a bit vain, BUT I am sick of living in a pony tail. HUBS, who works on a fishing boat has had his hair cut at least 6 times since anything been done to my hair...AND everything in my house and car is breaking when I turn around.. AND YOU GUESSED IT NO $$ to fix it..I am so over this!..Actually there is more to all my woes..but you get it!


So..NOW... I am not telling you all this for your sympathy..I don't need it! What happen next is during my pity party..

I decided to look and write in my journal. Realized I had not written in my journal for almost a whole year. Maybe this blog has been more of a journal? Any way, I start to write about how I feel right now, and then I realized I started this journal when I started this job. My first entry in my journal was how things are gonna be easier and brighter and I am gonna be starting a new job and how excited I was. That was tad over 4 years ago.


Then my mind started wondering about the last four years. WOW!!! I did a lot in the last four years!! YES hubs lost his higher paying job, and Yes I went down to part time for a while. Yes our income was cut in less than 1/2!! Yes we almost lost our house. Yes we DID lose a car and yes my wages were garnished! It has not been easy.. NO not at all.. BUT we learned how to live on a lot less. Groceries from the 99 cent store.. YOU BETCHA! I cant even pay full price at Albertsons when I know I can get it for 1/2 the cost. We got to know each other better. We are still surviving..(even though I know I wanted to kill or divorce him at least every other week)It had been a tough 4 years, which we are still adjusting to.


READ ON.. this is where it gets good!!!

You know what else happened in these 4 years? My job went full time, with a little more pay and insurance,I have learned A LOT from this work experience. I have been the mother of a deployed soldier 2 times so far.(even though he is the one serving our country and putting his life on the line, being a mom of a soldier is an adventure in itself, I feel like I been through 2 deployments!!) I became a grandma twice! Got a set a Girl and a Boy! Learned and got addicted to surfing. Joined a surf club. Met some life long friends.. ALL OF WHICH HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE AND WHO I AM FOREVER! I started running!!I remember when I could not run straight for a 1/2 mile when I started, even if I was being chased! I can now run 5 miles straight, with out stopping and not a lot of pain after! I ran my first race, a 5 K, with obstacles in sand!!! While having bronchitis bordering pneumonia! HELL YA I AM STRONG! I have acquired a different healthy lifestyle.(which is slipping a bit lately) I lost 30 lbs, went from a size 14/12 to an 8/6 even though I gained a few back..but I will get rid of that soon. I look way different in pictures than I did 4 years ago. Not just thinner, I have a glow about me now! I took Real Estate courses and passed my state exam and have my license.(Don't know what I am gonna do with it.. BUT I HAVE IT) I started writing! Started this blog, and I became published when WSSM published my 2 page article. I GOT PUBLISHED IN AN INTERNATIONAL SURF MAGAZINE!!!! How many people can say that? I started playing the Ukulele,(I do have to admit,not very well ;-))...Seriously I have grown so much in these last four years! I have really found myself.


Funny A chapter in my life is about to close. I am both nervous and excited to see what the future brings! So you know what? I am a pretty fricken amazing person. WHAT is with this "woe is me" shit!? I know everyone has their ups and downs. It is all a part of life and all a part of growing. I also believe everything happens for a reason. You may not know at that time why..But keep a journal and look back at it from time to time. You will have an awakening! I just hope I have a bit more of financial security in my new future endeavors! Seriously, that would be nice! I am not talking Millions or even thousands..BUT just a little more, so life is not so hard!


Part of the reason I wrote this post is: ONE) I know others are going through stuff and I hope they see that more people are. You are not alone everyone has something. We all have struggles and strife...you get over it and grow and move forward. TWO) Therapy for me.. I needed it in writing so I can free myself! =)

.......... I think I found my Mojo!!!

22 comments:

  1. Girl, I love you to death but I swear I will quit you if you don't start using paragraphs!!!!!

    I've still got a bit of the Ill Street Blues. A spur of the moment mat session on Sunday helped me immensely. But I, like you, am financially struggling. One of the reasons why I finally bought a drumkit (and will take lessons) is to give me a way to channel some of this angst/anger/fatique.

    Women, especially those of us who are mothers and wives, do what we have to do to stay sign.

    In other words, keep blogging . . . but use paragraphs! :-)

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    1. I fixed it I fixed it..I dont know what happen blogger changed it's format and I think that just messed it up.

      You know what is funny(NOT).. I told my daughter about this blog and how I feel. You know Miss Diva, who I run her and her friends everywhere..because I guess there is an invisible taxi sign on my Tahoe?? ANY way she said "OH MOM, it is not like you were on your deathbed or anything.. You just didn't feel well".. Well I guess as long as I am not dying.. I am still usable. WTF!!.. yeah we had a talk after that!

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  2. Hi SG, Your blog has a lovely spirit. Would you please do us all a big favor and post/blogroll this info: oceanradiationremedy.wordpress.com ? It's important for waterpeople and the general public re a proven way to be more safe and healthy in these "hot" times. Cheers Mate, Pahl Dixon (pahldixon@yahoo.com)

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  3. surfing G-ma! yes, please start using paragraph indents. but i see your plight.. i feel ya. i started writing my surf adventures b/c i was going through a tough time too! broke up with my first "serious" gf, had a fall out with my best friend of 8 years, and then my parents almost had to declare bankruptcy from credit card debt and risked losing our house that we lived in. yes, at the time, every thing and anything was going "bad" and "wrong" but I had to stay positive!! things always do work out as long as you keep positive.

    it sounds like you have grown a lot in the last 4 years... it's good to gain some perspective on your own life and see how far you've come, even if you are a "grandma." Bruce Lee said that he will never be a master, he is always a student. he is constantly learning, and when he dies, he will be a master. so keep on learning at these effing curve balls life throws at you!!

    let it all out, let it all out. it's ok to have a WOE IS ME attitude, just don't hold on to it for ever. Cry, and then smile after wards.

    it sounded like your mental stress took a toll on your physical well-being. i've had that a few times too, where i can feel my body just wrenching up into a tight knot and falling apart when work/study/lack of social interactions has made me a ball of stress. i get those stomach problems too, and sometimes, it is the food poisoning, or at least feels like it... but it's probably stress.

    i hope you feel better soon though!! get out there and surf!! even if you don't catch a wave or anything, it always feel better to get your feet wet... at least you'll forget about all your problems when a set wave is approaching you and you're stuck on the inside!! no time to worry about small problems in life when you're in the Ocean. just gotta stay in the moment, and stay positive!! much love and aloha from your blogger son KK

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    1. Thanks KK.. you are always inspirational.. AND as I pointed out to SS.. I did use paragraphs. I don't know if you all use "blogger" I think you do. BUT they changed their format. So I have to figure out what happened. I will try to fix this. Especially since it is a longer post than usual. I know it is annoying to read this way.

      FUNNY I always tell my kids to never stop learning and there is a lesson to be learned daily. I also am the one who is usually giving the positive feedback. SO this just shows I am human and we all have those times in life. EVEN though this is seriously nothing compared to things I have been through before.

      Thanks for the support.

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    2. yay! you did change it... yea, i don't like the new format too much.. still getting used to it.. yes, we are all human!! i guess it just really really really sucks for the time being, but reading your replies, it seems like you're slowly getting your mojo back..? i hope it is! much love and aloha going your way <3

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  4. Surfing G. I really appreciate how much you shared here. Your post talked to me. I was on my own pity pot, bummed out over my breakup, but when I read about the life altering challenges that you are facing, I realize how juvenile I must have sounded with my issues. I like how you are able to find some enlightenment in the midst of your woes. It takes a special kind of person to not let the negatives and ride the positives. I wish you the best during your tough times. And as KK said, "Get out there and surf!" Reading this made me stronger. Thank you.

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    1. DD you are entitled to your Pity Party as we all are.. as long as it does not consume us. We need to acknowledge it..work on it and learn from it.

      And for you..you are dealing with an issue that is connected to matters of the heart..those issues are always hard. It is ok!

      Glad this helped in some way. I posted this to help those who need to see they are not alone. Although I was nervous about exposing myself and my issues. We all have something we are dealing with. Life is hardly perfect!..But sure is an adventure!

      I am just not ready to surf yet..But I have been going back to healthy eating best I can...and I went for a run and a long hike and am reading an inspirational book to get my butt back on track.. I need it.

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  5. Hi SGOC, I read your posts and love them - I can relate as a 40 something who has only been surfing for 18 months (on the east coast of Australia). I can esp relate to this one as I am having some work issues myself. But through surfing I have also lost weight,improved my health and made some great friends! When times are tough, I find going for a surf always helps. From me to you - sending positive vibes and peace. Thanks for this post - it gave me some perspective. Bron

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    1. WOW anonymous(Bron?).. THANK YOU FOR READING!! AND all the way from Oz!!!

      I am glad you can relate and GOOD JOB on surfing..Keep with it! It is inspirational for me to hear of other 40+ who just started surfing and that is has positively impacted them as it did me! LOVE THIS!!!!!!!

      THANK YOU SO MUCH for the positive vibes and peace.. I can really use them!

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    3. I deleted that post..because it was a double of what I just posted ;-).. OH me and this new blogging format are gonna need to work somethings out. HA!

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    4. Happy to send positive vibes any time! I have dropped you a quick email as well. Bron

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  7. 6 comments already... more than all my daily visitors on my blog ;)
    I don't know what kind of a person you were four years ago (because I only know since a couple of years) but the person I know is an incredible inspirational woman. You can look at you in the mirror every morning and be proud, my friend! Look at all you achieved already...(you forgot to mention that you are an accomplished writer, even without paragraphs ;)) But hey, even superheros have their down moments... There will be other bad days but there will also be other wonderful days. I agree with Surfsister, KK and "anonymous", surfing has healing properties. Please take Mo out soon.

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    1. Hey Val. I did mention my writing.. it is prob because the paragraphs did not show up. I wrote this whole long post with paragraphs. After I reply to everyone. I will try to fix it. How annoying to read.. I know ;-)

      THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT AND PATIENCE! You do know a bit more than other's here about some of my strife. HA!

      I look at Mo daily..and I am sure I will get out soon. My last 2 days off. Surf sucked, didn't have gas money any way. So I went for a run and pampered myself one day made a home spa day out of what I had around the house. Then the next day a long hike. SO I am getting out of this funk!

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  8. Ditto to all of the above comments and encouragements bestowed to a great person and fellow follower of stoke!

    Life is a crazy ride...like a wave, it can pump us up or leave us high and dry, awaken our souls or shatter our dreams, but it's always there...waiting for us to embrace it and make it our own, at least for a the brief moment that we are all given.

    Be strong, be vigilant, be focused, be brave...you've ridden the wild waves of life and are still here to claim it as your own.

    Sending you some NOCAL stoke...

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    1. Thank you Pabs! I can relate to all you have mentioned! Just need a reminder from time to time!

      Thanks for sharing some stoke...maybe mine will ignite soon! I am sure it will. I am just on pause for the moment! ;-)

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  9. Seriously, this post makes me love you all the more. You are an incredibly strong and so inspirational. Just reading what you have gone through, overcome and accomplished in the last 4 years - that more than a lot of people can say in a lifetime. Yes, we all go through ups and downs and it's no fun to be stuck in a funk, you have the ability to keep things in perspective, to take the experiences, learn and reflect on them and move forward. Like Val said, you have so much to be proud of. More than anything, you are so welcoming and supportive. From the moment I started following your adventures and blog, you have supported me and for that, I am so appreciative.

    It's hard being a mom, grandma, wife, breadwinner, etc. There is so much pressure and so many competing priorities. But please do try to remember to take care of YOU.

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    1. Thank you for your support as well Christine.. Hey we are all in this world together. =)

      Funny you said remember to take care of me. I did just that one day after I wrote this blog. I had a me day at home. I went for a 4 mile run, I soaked in the bath and started reading an inspirational book. I deep conditioned my hair with olive oil and trimmed my own hair. Did a facial mask. THEN I soaked my feet in my foot massage and gave myself a pedicure. Did some meditation and watched some funny movies. HUBS came home and said.. SO what did you do all day? Because I didn't clean the house. I was really? when I mention to my daughter about this post. She said. "OH MOM, it was not like you were on your deathbed.. you just didn't feel good".. again really??(I was running her and her boyfriend back and forth a few days) I kept saying i didn't feel good and she didn't care. It was easier to just do it than listen to her whine...AT least my friends care about me.. GEESH!..AND NO I don't feel guilty about taking some me time..BUT am considering a long term vacation if they don't start appreciating me.. HA!

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