Monday, April 23, 2012

Where did it go??

Just like that commercial for Kaiser.. I have been questioning where my mojo is? I even did a Face Book post."Lost Mojo..(And not my friend Tracy's dog)..If found please return to Michelle ASAP..Thank You." Also in one of my FB comments told a friend..I am getting a bit worried about myself.. everyday I walk by my surfboards I usually get an anxious feeling.. Now I walk by and just think ehh too much work.. I am so not in the mood to surf. Gotta load the Tahoe, fight traffic, get a wetsuit on, paddle out, maybe fight for a wave, maybe not, cold water or weather.. Not feeling it...and have not for a while.. between being sick,and stressed. I just am not feeling great right now..=(..Then the insanity of work the last two days.. I am so drained.. that is a story in itself! I just want a vacation or a nice long Rest!! I guess I am in funk(and not the kind George Clinton can put out)..I think I felt it coming on for a while.

Funny a few weekends back.. I was feeling down and stressed and had a bit to drink on Friday night. So Saturday I thought I was hung over. Sunday I still felt terrible and I also barfed..hmm...maybe not a hangover,I decided must have the stomach flu. Here I thought I was just stressed and bordering that dark area of depression... so I did the unhealthy thing and drank my sorrows away.. To find out I am ill? Or maybe my stress made me ill? Who knows?? I just know for the following week I was so out of it, mentally and physically drained. I had muscle aches,I was non stop thirsty,(I could not get enough water) I had a tin like taste in my mouth..and always tired and fatigued.

Then..I had to do my taxes(while still under the weather). I did my own with turbo tax..but got to point where you cant really continue until you pay. WE are living seriously not paycheck to paycheck right now...but day to day. SO I had to wait till hubs made $$ so I could continue and file.. WHICH landed ON TAX DAY. So here I am at last minute finishing my taxes,I am at work, hubs is out in the middle of the ocean. I am just trying to finish...I was a stress case. I don't want to go into it all. Lets just say, hubs is a financial disaster..and I got to the point, where I looked like Linda Blair in the exorcist.. Seriously I think my head did spin around!! ANY way after that hellish experience.(which I will never ever ever do again)

I could not sleep the following night..Up at 2 AM..and stayed up, wide fricken awake..hubs is snoring away.. of course he is.. the clock is ticking louder than a time bomb, and I swear I heard every noise imaginable. I Had to go to work the next day. Still ill, and my eyes were so swollen, from crying the day before, no sleep, and allergies, I could not put my contacts in. But at least my glasses helped to hide how bad my eyes were. I was a wreck!.. SO even after all that a few nights go by, I could feel my body's tension getting worse every minute. Tried to get a hold of my son(licensed massage therapist)to help me. Failed!..So I ended up with a crick in my neck the other morning, could not look to the left without pain, I really think I slept wrong, I suffered, so my chihuahua would be comfortable..and still nursing a bit of a pinch nerve in the other shoulder. AGAIN I am fricken falling apart!

Then I go to wash my Tahoe, the hose burst and water gushing everywhere. I go to use the kitchen sink, and the handle was already broken, NOW the neck pops off and water squirted across the kitchen and family room. REALLY!!??? This just blows! Everything is falling apart in my house! Lets throw in a crazy weekend end at work..helping another department where I work. I was verbally abused from homeowners and members more than I care to admit.(I really think that is kind of funny,I learned Money can't buy you class and these people have money and acted more immature then when my children were young!) Also knowing any day..but for sure within the next couple weeks. I will no longer be employed...(that is not necessarily a bad thing, and more on that later), BUT when you are the one with the "steady" income in the house. It is a bit scary..and the uncertainty of what my future is freaking me out a bit. BUT I am looking at it as a good thing, and I am totally ready to move on.

So yeah.. No wonder I am where I am... SO now I got the case of "WOE is ME's" happening. I am always doing every thing for everyone. I rarely say No when I should.. even though I know better. Then my husband and teenage daughter, who seriously are some of the most selfish people.. GOD forbid, my health or sanity,, as long as the taxes are done,house is clean, trash is out and I go to work, and people are getting carpooled. WHO cares if I die in the process. I really do feel taken advantage of from them a lot. I never take care of me as much as I do them. For example MY hair has not been done in.. I can't even say how long...It is dry and unmanageable and my roots are crazy.. I know a bit vain, BUT I am sick of living in a pony tail. HUBS, who works on a fishing boat has had his hair cut at least 6 times since anything been done to my hair...AND everything in my house and car is breaking when I turn around.. AND YOU GUESSED IT NO $$ to fix it..I am so over this!..Actually there is more to all my woes..but you get it!

So..NOW... I am not telling you all this for your sympathy..I don't need it! What happen next is during my pity party..

I decided to look and write in my journal. Realized I had not written in my journal for almost a whole year. Maybe this blog has been more of a journal? Any way, I start to write about how I feel right now, and then I realized I started this journal when I started this job. My first entry in my journal was how things are gonna be easier and brighter and I am gonna be starting a new job and how excited I was. That was tad over 4 years ago.

Then my mind started wondering about the last four years. WOW!!! I did a lot in the last four years!! YES hubs lost his higher paying job, and Yes I went down to part time for a while. Yes our income was cut in less than 1/2!! Yes we almost lost our house. Yes we DID lose a car and yes my wages were garnished! It has not been easy.. NO not at all.. BUT we learned how to live on a lot less. Groceries from the 99 cent store.. YOU BETCHA! I cant even pay full price at Albertsons when I know I can get it for 1/2 the cost. We got to know each other better. We are still surviving..(even though I know I wanted to kill or divorce him at least every other week)It had been a tough 4 years, which we are still adjusting to.

READ ON.. this is where it gets good!!!

You know what else happened in these 4 years? My job went full time, with a little more pay and insurance,I have learned A LOT from this work experience. I have been the mother of a deployed soldier 2 times so far.(even though he is the one serving our country and putting his life on the line, being a mom of a soldier is an adventure in itself, I feel like I been through 2 deployments!!) I became a grandma twice! Got a set a Girl and a Boy! Learned and got addicted to surfing. Joined a surf club. Met some life long friends.. ALL OF WHICH HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE AND WHO I AM FOREVER! I started running!!I remember when I could not run straight for a 1/2 mile when I started, even if I was being chased! I can now run 5 miles straight, with out stopping and not a lot of pain after! I ran my first race, a 5 K, with obstacles in sand!!! While having bronchitis bordering pneumonia! HELL YA I AM STRONG! I have acquired a different healthy lifestyle.(which is slipping a bit lately) I lost 30 lbs, went from a size 14/12 to an 8/6 even though I gained a few back..but I will get rid of that soon. I look way different in pictures than I did 4 years ago. Not just thinner, I have a glow about me now! I took Real Estate courses and passed my state exam and have my license.(Don't know what I am gonna do with it.. BUT I HAVE IT) I started writing! Started this blog, and I became published when WSSM published my 2 page article. I GOT PUBLISHED IN AN INTERNATIONAL SURF MAGAZINE!!!! How many people can say that? I started playing the Ukulele,(I do have to admit,not very well ;-))...Seriously I have grown so much in these last four years! I have really found myself.

Funny A chapter in my life is about to close. I am both nervous and excited to see what the future brings! So you know what? I am a pretty fricken amazing person. WHAT is with this "woe is me" shit!? I know everyone has their ups and downs. It is all a part of life and all a part of growing. I also believe everything happens for a reason. You may not know at that time why..But keep a journal and look back at it from time to time. You will have an awakening! I just hope I have a bit more of financial security in my new future endeavors! Seriously, that would be nice! I am not talking Millions or even thousands..BUT just a little more, so life is not so hard!

Part of the reason I wrote this post is: ONE) I know others are going through stuff and I hope they see that more people are. You are not alone everyone has something. We all have struggles and get over it and grow and move forward. TWO) Therapy for me.. I needed it in writing so I can free myself! =)

.......... I think I found my Mojo!!!