Where did it go??

Just like that commercial for Kaiser.. I have been questioning where my mojo is? I even did a Face Book post."Lost Mojo..(And not my friend Tracy's dog)..If found please return to Michelle ASAP..Thank You." Also in one of my FB comments told a friend..I am getting a bit worried about myself.. everyday I walk by my surfboards I usually get an anxious feeling.. Now I walk by and just think ehh too much work.. I am so not in the mood to surf. Gotta load the Tahoe, fight traffic, get a wetsuit on, paddle out, maybe fight for a wave, maybe not, cold water or weather.. Not feeling it...and have not for a while.. between being sick,and stressed. I just am not feeling great right now..=(..Then the insanity of work the last two days.. I am so drained.. that is a story in itself! I just want a vacation or a nice long Rest!! I guess I am in funk(and not the kind George Clinton can put out)..I think I felt it coming on for a while.

Funny a few weekends back.. I was feeling down and stressed and had a bit to drink on Friday night. So Saturday I thought I was hung over. Sunday I still felt terrible and I also barfed..hmm...maybe not a hangover,I decided must have the stomach flu. Here I thought I was just stressed and bordering that dark area of depression... so I did the unhealthy thing and drank my sorrows away.. To find out I am ill? Or maybe my stress made me ill? Who knows?? I just know for the following week I was so out of it, mentally and physically drained. I had muscle aches,I was non stop thirsty,(I could not get enough water) I had a tin like taste in my mouth..and always tired and fatigued.


Then..I had to do my taxes(while still under the weather). I did my own with turbo tax..but got to point where you cant really continue until you pay. WE are living seriously not paycheck to paycheck right now...but day to day. SO I had to wait till hubs made $$ so I could continue and file.. WHICH landed ON TAX DAY. So here I am at last minute finishing my taxes,I am at work, hubs is out in the middle of the ocean. I am just trying to finish...I was a stress case. I don't want to go into it all. Lets just say, hubs is a financial disaster..and I got to the point, where I looked like Linda Blair in the exorcist.. Seriously I think my head did spin around!! ANY way after that hellish experience.(which I will never ever ever do again)


I could not sleep the following night..Up at 2 AM..and stayed up, wide fricken awake..hubs is snoring away.. of course he is.. the clock is ticking louder than a time bomb, and I swear I heard every noise imaginable. I Had to go to work the next day. Still ill, and my eyes were so swollen, from crying the day before, no sleep, and allergies, I could not put my contacts in. But at least my glasses helped to hide how bad my eyes were. I was a wreck!.. SO even after all that a few nights go by, I could feel my body's tension getting worse every minute. Tried to get a hold of my son(licensed massage therapist)to help me. Failed!..So I ended up with a crick in my neck the other morning, could not look to the left without pain, I really think I slept wrong, I suffered, so my chihuahua would be comfortable..and still nursing a bit of a pinch nerve in the other shoulder. AGAIN I am fricken falling apart!


Then I go to wash my Tahoe, the hose burst and water gushing everywhere. I go to use the kitchen sink, and the handle was already broken, NOW the neck pops off and water squirted across the kitchen and family room. REALLY!!??? This just blows! Everything is falling apart in my house! Lets throw in a crazy weekend end at work..helping another department where I work. I was verbally abused from homeowners and members more than I care to admit.(I really think that is kind of funny,I learned Money can't buy you class and these people have money and acted more immature then when my children were young!) Also knowing any day..but for sure within the next couple weeks. I will no longer be employed...(that is not necessarily a bad thing, and more on that later), BUT when you are the one with the "steady" income in the house. It is a bit scary..and the uncertainty of what my future holds..it is freaking me out a bit. BUT I am looking at it as a good thing, and I am totally ready to move on.


So yeah.. No wonder I am where I am... SO now I got the case of "WOE is ME's" happening. I am always doing every thing for everyone. I rarely say No when I should.. even though I know better. Then my husband and teenage daughter, who seriously are some of the most selfish people.. GOD forbid, my health or sanity,, as long as the taxes are done,house is clean, trash is out and I go to work, and people are getting carpooled. WHO cares if I die in the process. I really do feel taken advantage of from them a lot. I never take care of me as much as I do them. For example MY hair has not been done in.. I can't even say how long...It is dry and unmanageable and my roots are crazy.. I know a bit vain, BUT I am sick of living in a pony tail. HUBS, who works on a fishing boat has had his hair cut at least 6 times since anything been done to my hair...AND everything in my house and car is breaking when I turn around.. AND YOU GUESSED IT NO $$ to fix it..I am so over this!..Actually there is more to all my woes..but you get it!


So..NOW... I am not telling you all this for your sympathy..I don't need it! What happen next is during my pity party..

I decided to look and write in my journal. Realized I had not written in my journal for almost a whole year. Maybe this blog has been more of a journal? Any way, I start to write about how I feel right now, and then I realized I started this journal when I started this job. My first entry in my journal was how things are gonna be easier and brighter and I am gonna be starting a new job and how excited I was. That was tad over 4 years ago.


Then my mind started wondering about the last four years. WOW!!! I did a lot in the last four years!! YES hubs lost his higher paying job, and Yes I went down to part time for a while. Yes our income was cut in less than 1/2!! Yes we almost lost our house. Yes we DID lose a car and yes my wages were garnished! It has not been easy.. NO not at all.. BUT we learned how to live on a lot less. Groceries from the 99 cent store.. YOU BETCHA! I cant even pay full price at Albertsons when I know I can get it for 1/2 the cost. We got to know each other better. We are still surviving..(even though I know I wanted to kill or divorce him at least every other week)It had been a tough 4 years, which we are still adjusting to.


READ ON.. this is where it gets good!!!

You know what else happened in these 4 years? My job went full time, with a little more pay and insurance,I have learned A LOT from this work experience. I have been the mother of a deployed soldier 2 times so far.(even though he is the one serving our country and putting his life on the line, being a mom of a soldier is an adventure in itself, I feel like I been through 2 deployments!!) I became a grandma twice! Got a set a Girl and a Boy! Learned and got addicted to surfing. Joined a surf club. Met some life long friends.. ALL OF WHICH HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE AND WHO I AM FOREVER! I started running!!I remember when I could not run straight for a 1/2 mile when I started, even if I was being chased! I can now run 5 miles straight, with out stopping and not a lot of pain after! I ran my first race, a 5 K, with obstacles in sand!!! While having bronchitis bordering pneumonia! HELL YA I AM STRONG! I have acquired a different healthy lifestyle.(which is slipping a bit lately) I lost 30 lbs, went from a size 14/12 to an 8/6 even though I gained a few back..but I will get rid of that soon. I look way different in pictures than I did 4 years ago. Not just thinner, I have a glow about me now! I took Real Estate courses and passed my state exam and have my license.(Don't know what I am gonna do with it.. BUT I HAVE IT) I started writing! Started this blog, and I became published when WSSM published my 2 page article. I GOT PUBLISHED IN AN INTERNATIONAL SURF MAGAZINE!!!! How many people can say that? I started playing the Ukulele,(I do have to admit,not very well ;-))...Seriously I have grown so much in these last four years! I have really found myself.


Funny A chapter in my life is about to close. I am both nervous and excited to see what the future brings! So you know what? I am a pretty fricken amazing person. WHAT is with this "woe is me" shit!? I know everyone has their ups and downs. It is all a part of life and all a part of growing. I also believe everything happens for a reason. You may not know at that time why..But keep a journal and look back at it from time to time. You will have an awakening! I just hope I have a bit more of financial security in my new future endeavors! Seriously, that would be nice! I am not talking Millions or even thousands..BUT just a little more, so life is not so hard!


Part of the reason I wrote this post is: ONE) I know others are going through stuff and I hope they see that more people are. You are not alone everyone has something. We all have struggles and strife...you get over it and grow and move forward. TWO) Therapy for me.. I needed it in writing so I can free myself! =)

.......... I think I found my Mojo!!!

R E L I E F!!!!

Ok Ok.. you ALL know I was debating on what to do Sunday/Monday..Well Sunday. I decided to rest one more day..and keep my routine of moist heat/ice/ibuprofen/aleve/light stretching and massage. The pain was eased in no time. It was starting to feel dull pain sort of like someone just punched me in the back..and the pulling sensation moved from my neck to my arm. BUT during one of my stretching sessions,I felt something shift in my neck..and a bit of relief... so I am sure whatever I did..helped.

Also I realized the pain which was a lot less, only really bothered me now, rotating my arms backwards(gotta go forward to surf ;-)..) or while I stretched across my body. Looking over my left shoulder still hurt a bit too.BUT IT WAS ALL A MANAGEABLE kind of pain.

So Monday. I put the boards(total of 3) in the Tahoe. Took 2 teenagers(my daughter wanted to teach her new "BF" how to surf)(Not sure if he wanted to impress her or me,gotta get through and impress overprotected Momma first) to my local spot and made a day out of the beach. Since we are currently on a beyond tight budget. We made left over Easter eggs into egg salad and made sandwiches at the beach..and after our surf sesh, we headed to HB and found free parking to finish off our day.(could not afford all day beach parking)IT ended up being a very relaxing and great DAY!

So first things first Get to Newport. Pull up and FLAT.. so I thought. Good for Daughter and beginner BF.. not so good for me and Mo.. hmmm

Stood around and watched. WELL.. a little motion in the ocean a few knee to even waist high few and far between..but something. Next to the Jetty looked good, but everyone was there. I think I saw a few kids that get photographed in the "OH SEA" blog pull up next to me. They were making me laugh with their bromance, and their surf talk! I wish I could have video'd it.. so cute,and very surf stereotypical.I mean it in a good way!

We suited up and my friend Irma met me there. I saw Donna, and Dave and Ray or Rey?..who I just met last week. Also I FINALLY got to know Sue's name I talk to her all the time..but never knew who she was. Love her.. she is a gem!

Everyone went out and were at various ends of the break. BUT we all said it was fun in the end.

I let my daughter teach her boyfriend in the white wash what to do after a land lesson...then I headed out with Irma.

I didn't wear booties, sun was shining and my hubs told me the water warmed up.."LIAR!!!!".. I stepped in, just cringed, and about 10 seconds my feet were numb. Oh well.. Thank goodness for the nice sunny day. THE water was so clear and clean too!

I surfed Mo, but the sets were so small and it was hard to catch waves with Mo. LOTS of paddling. I did catch a few..I am really becoming one with Mo. We are falling IN LOVE with each other. I just realized yeaterday!

I did get a few rides. I decided to try Tallulah a few times too. Since my daughter rode her. I think Tallulah is gonna officially be hers now...sigh.. the hand down begins..any way. I thought these conditions would be better on a bigger board. YES no probs catching waves. BUT I forgot about Tallulah's flat nose, So I pearl. REALLY!!?? I catch another wave and paddle out again..I think Mo is a much easy paddler and I love his rocker and how when I do catch a wave It just glides.. so smooth. SUCH a difference.

So I go back to Mo... NOW I do want to point out. My daughter has only used foamy..but we let BF use it.. who by the way has a really good pop up and stood up a lot..shhh here is a secret.. he did and does better than the hubs...
Daughter was a bit intimidated to use Tallulah, Bigger and a "REAL" board. But she rocked it. She even said.."You were right mom, it was easier on Tallulah".. So as I said..the hand down. Sad, yet joyous at the same time.

Now back to Mo and I...I have realized I already learned a lot with him. We are much more in-tuned with each other. Still a learning experience, still my surf skills with him are a work in progress..but I am getting there. NOW I can catch waves and stand..BUT I need to remember to bend knees and try to really maneuver and use the board. WHICH I have not done with him yet. SO that is my next step. Part of the reason I am saying this is a surf instructor out there was yelling at me. "BEND YOUR KNEES!!".. Oh yeah huh? Again I was just really, still trying to feel Mo. BUT I think I am getting it. SINCE also I have been surfing in not the greatest or ideal conditions...My hope is when I do, and the time comes.. I have acquired more skill and it will be magical!

After I rode the wave in, I looked at the Beach and said to myself..OH SHIT, where did all these people come from??? So yes Shoobie season is upon us once again! But no Blackballing yet. YES!!

Any way no one wave stood out..can't say I am counting waves any more right now. Just learning Mo and was concentrating on Daughter and BF.. was hoping no injuries.. and YES none were had!

But there was one wave..I had a lil incident with a surfing Grizzly Adams looking man. Yes it was my bad.. BUT really not that big of a deal especially in the small conditions we were surfing.

I was paddling out and a wave was getting ready to crash on me,(closing out) and I turned and it took me, but Grizzly was on it and I saw him coming at me and his ride was cut short..BUT in all honesty I really don't think I cut his ride short.. IT DID CLOSE OUT and that part is what I caught and went straight. So when I paddled back out, just to make sure I said..as I smiled..(really who can resist my smile?) oh hope I didn't mess up your ride there..He said you were inside and yes a little bit. I said ooops sorry it closed out on me and I didn't know what to do, so I rode it. He said you could have turtled..I just laughed and said jokingly, I don't like to turtle it scares me. He was a bit gruff and said..no big deal..but I think he really was a bit peeved. YIKES.. I moved away from him then..I didn't want to make any more "waves".

Well I surfed THREE HOURS.. yes 3 hours. I didn't feel pain in my shoulder till later,(I think the cold water helped)a little sore today..nothing ibuprofen can't fix.

Got cleaned up and packed and chit chatted with Dave,Ray/Rey and Sue.. LOVE the after and or before surf camaraderie. Decided all in all not a bad day for the conditions.

After that, we trotted down to HB, and I played Shoobie for the rest of the day( as seen in bottom and only photo of the day)BLENDED in quite nicely with the "Spring Break" crowd!

Stress

It just figures!!! I was so looking forward to getting in the water Early Sunday Morning and Monday.. BUT yesterday(Friday)I woke up and I could not move!

I told hubs, I cant move!!! He said push the dogs away.. BECAUSE usually that is why I cannot move when I wake up.. all the animals for some reason lay right on top of or next to me. It is like I am their Queen or something. They wont let anyone near me either..so funny! I usually wake up and note I get like 12"(if I am lucky) out of the 72" of the California King size bed!

But this time it was not the animals. It was my arm and shoulder blade. I was in such pain!!!

Funny I have been a ball of stress..and I obviously have been filled with tension. I have been trying to stay positive and up beat and ignoring a few negatives in my life right now. They are just little road blocks that will get fixed! BUT no matter how I try..My body wont have it.. and just wants to remind me!

So What is my BIG Stress reducer? SURFING!! So now because of this pinched nerve in my left shoulder blade..what is it preventing me from doing?... SURFING!..BOOO!!!

So now what? I have been doing the Aleve, Ibuprofin thing. I have done the moist heat and then ice thing. I had my massage therapist "Healer" son work on it for a brief moment, I did the light stretching. I have lathered myself in Icy Hot.. IT feels a lot better today..but now the pulling sensation is on my arm, and not as much in my neck. My shoulder blade feels like someone punched me in the back and is very sensitive to touch.

I keep thinking I will just try to surf a little on maybe Monday??..I want to sooo bad..BUT am thinking.. maybe I should just sit out for a bit... IF I don't I will prob make it worse.

THIS SUCKS!

Sorry had to vent.. Was hoping this will help relieve some of my stress as well! HA!..PLUS I know a lot of you have been here..and can relate.. So I am not alone!